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"How the Light Gets In"
Have you ever read Rachel Remen's Kitchen Table Wisdom? It's a beautiful and inspiring book. In it she talks about a patient who came to her to deal with the emotional issues that came with having cancer. She asks him to draw an image that is representative of himself, and he draws a cracked vase. He feels damaged. At their last therapy session, she hands him his drawing and asks if there is anything he would change about it. He stares at it for a while, smiles, picks up a yellow crayon and draws light streaming out of the crack.
Similarly, Leonard Cohen sings,
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
This is what has been on my mind lately. How we try to seem a certain way for so long until we crack. And that's when the light streams through.
In writing, isn't this what happens in one way or another to most of our characters? Characters have to grow or change in some profound way to make a book worth reading. It's not the mundane that interests readers, it's the cracking open. What does it take to crack your character open wide -- to help her move from being who she thinks she is supposed to be to being the person she really is? What will it take to crack each of us open -- to bring us to write our truths or be our whole selves? And once we're cracked open, how long will the effects last -- is it forever -- or will we seal ourselves up with glue and go back to the way things were?
This is what's on my mind today. What's on yours?
Embrace Life
I found this photo on the internet the other day and immediately made it the wallpaper on my desktop. I'm not sure I can explain what so moves me about it. I love the dreamy, mystical, almost eerie feeling of the sunset colors in the sky and on the water and how they blend with the woman and her clothing. I love the birds flying free and yet somehow in harmony with her dance. I love the beauty, grace, and openness of her leap. I love her commitment, how connected she is to this moment. I love that this image makes me smell the salty breeze and hear the ripple of the water and feel the last rays of the setting sun against my skin. I love that this woman is embracing life.
Mrs. V, a book blogger, commented on last week's post mentioning the idea of One Little Word instead of resolutions and that hers last year had been Embrace. I'm making that choice this year. It began with the idea of embracing who you are and is stretching to encompass the whole idea of embracing life. It feels like a bigger challenge than it seems like it should be. What's so hard about embracing what's in front of you?
We get so used to throwing up our guard all the time against any elements of life that are not pleasing, shutting down, trying to keep out the hard stuff. I'm trying to learn to embrace it all and trust that it's all leading me where I need to go.
I hope the image inspires you, as it does me, to embrace life, to let life take you where you need to be. Embrace.
New Year's Motto: Embrace Who You Are
In my final post of 2011, I talked about some of what I'd learned in that difficult year. And then, as I took a few weeks off of posting, I found that one of those lessons stayed on my mind. I decided that instead of giving myself any resolutions for the new year, I would give myself a motto -- a reminder of what really matters. And the motto is that final lesson from 2011: Embrace who you are.
What does that mean? It means cutting off the addiction to filtering life through what you imagine other people's judgments might be. It means living according to what is true for you rather than by what you believe will please someone. It means not trying to be the next J.K. Rowling or Lady Gaga or whomever you might aspire to be, and instead aspiring to be the first you. Writers, like actors, tend to be a fairly angsty bunch. And trying to please an agent or editor or market or fan base can dramatically affect our creativity.
I know that much of the writing I did over the past few years was written in an attempt to please. And that wasn't working for me. My current project is different. It was written from a place of need -- the need to express emotion and tell a story I needed to tell. And I have loved writing it. And I love what it has become. And maybe it will get published and maybe it won't. That is out of my hands. But the point is, I wrote it from my truth, from who I am, without trying to tame that or make it more acceptable or pleasing or less quirky. I'm quirky! Different, strange, peculiar, odd -- blessings all!
It's hard not to compare ourselves to others, to look at other's successes and want to embrace their truths. But their truths are only going to work for them. Only my truth will work for me. So as I step into the new year, I do so with this promise to myself: I value what I have to offer and intend to honor it. I hope you do the same for you. Here's to a brilliantly beautiful 2012.
Friday Five: Lessons Learned
This will be my last blog post of 2011. I blogged yesterday at YA Outside the Lines about goals for the new year. Today I'm reflecting on what I learned in this one.
1. It's best not to get attached to specific outcomes. Getting attached is the source of most of our suffering. This one is extremely hard to follow through on. But when I can remember to do it, I'm calmer, life is less stressful.
2. It's important to feel grateful for the mundane. Not because there's some Higher Power looking down and judging us for not doing it, but because it actually makes life more enjoyable. It slows me down, makes me present for this moment.
3. This moment matters. We should slow down and experience it. Not every moment is fun or easy, but every one of them matters. We rush. SO MUCH. We are SO BUSY. ALL THE TIME. How many moments of our lives are we actually experiencing vs. how many are we rushing through? I know there's a lot to do. I know it all has to get done. Breathe.
4. Things have a way of working out. Seriously. They do. You can stop panicking. I give you permission. They don't always work out the way we want them to or at the speed we desire. But it's okay. Things actually do have a way of working out for the best.
5. Embrace who you are. Do we ever stop struggling with this one? I'm trying! Trying to stop comparing myself to others, to stop judging myself according to other's lives, to stop attempting to be more like anyone other than me. I'm trying to accept and embrace that who I am in the world is different than who anyone else is. It's supposed to be that way. And dampening that serves no one.
So that's what I've learned this year. Will I have to learn it all over again next year? Maybe. But I think/hope I'm making progress. May all our lessons be gentle in the year ahead!
xo
Gratitude for the angst
I've been blogging a lot about gratitude lately. But it's been on my mind. As I've mentioned before, my daughter has been facing a chronic illness since this summer. Just recently, her health has begun to improve (knock wood). And I find myself feeling incredibly grateful to see her stressing over homework and teen drama and the school play. As if this were the most incredible gift. And it is. And we take it for granted every single day. Our problems. We can't afford the newest technology. Or our lives are too busy. Or we have deadlines we're not sure we can meet. Gifts. Every one of them. I imagine that if my child's health continues to improve, as of course I hope and pray that it does, I'll be taking our lives for granted again in no time. And maybe that's human nature. Always looking up. At what we long for, at whom we hope to become. And maybe that's okay. Maybe that's what keeps us moving forward. As long as we don't forget to look around and give a leg up to someone who may need it.
Which is what I love about Christmastime, even though I don't celebrate the holiday. But I do love the spirit of the season. (Okay not the Black Friday mobs or the traffic that seems to grow at holiday time or the inability to find a parking space anywhere.) I love the spirit of giving that blooms this time of year, the stopping for a moment to remember that there are foster kids with no Santa to deliver gifts for them or shelters that need help serving food to the homeless or that a donation of a warm jacket or old sleeping bag could save a life.
Last year at Christmastime I found out that a dear friend was dying of cancer. Of course it made me desperately sad, and it also made me feel grateful for my family's health and well-being. But somehow that feeling of gratitude felt more academic. It wasn't until illness hit my family directly that I truly understood the depth of gratitude for the "normal", the healthy, the everything we take for granted. I generally consider myself to be a pretty empathic person. So why did it take so much for me to get to this place of understanding? And will I be able to maintain my sense of gratitude when (hopefully) we're all relatively healthy?
It's a question I don't have an answer to. I suppose only time will tell. Maybe the gratitude is one of those gifts that comes from the difficult times, one of those silver linings. Or maybe I can share it so you don't have to live through it: Take time out to be grateful for what you see as the problems in your life and ask yourself if maybe you're lucky to have them. It doesn't take away the angst that comes with having too much to do or feeling overwhelmed or wishing for more. But for me at least, it does bring a kind of peace alongside it.
Wishing you peace, love, joy and gratitude this holiday season
xo
Gardens of Gratitude
Earlier this week I posted about gratitude over at YA Outside the Lines. I wrote about seeking out the gifts in difficult times and about how that which we tend is what blooms in our lives. This is true in life and also in writing.
If we listen to the inner critic day in and day out, if we tend its garden, blossoms of self-doubt grow. If instead we focus on whatever bits of our writing we actually feel good about, confidence and strength is what blooms. In the story itself, if we attend only to what's not working, it can be hard to find a solution. Instead, try writing the parts that are clear in your mind and see if they guide you to solutions for the more problematic areas.
I'm not saying it's easy. If you're anything like me, your natural tendency is to grab on to the negative and let it grow you a whole garden of thorns and prickers. I have to fight against that natural tendency and remind myself to look for the positive, to focus on growing the flowers. Gratitude is often the thing that helps me shift my attention.
So as Thanksgiving approaches, find your gratitude, let it help you find your way to tuning in to the beauty. Ask yourself: which garden am I tending?
It'll probably be a few weeks before I post again. Happy Holidays! Wishing you gardens of gratitude and beauty <3
Getting the story told: Butt-in-chair or Wind-in-your-hair
If you're anything like me, you were brought up to believe that one must work hard. You must push and push to get it all done and achieve. It has recently occurred to me that this might be a lie.
I have begun to toy with a different way. Instead of expecting productiveness at all times, instead of setting daily, weekly, and monthly goals, I'm taking things slowly. This is partly because of other things going on in my life, but it's also partly as an experiment. And what I'm finding is that the creative work has its own rhythm.
I know for a lot of people butt-in-chair is the rule they follow to get the job done. But what I'm finding is that even with less b-i-c time, the story still gets told. Here's why: While I'm out in the world doing all the stuff that has to be done, my mind is secretly working. I'll be driving down the freeway and whole scenes will play out in my head. I'll be in line at the grocery store and the solution to a plot problem will pop into my awareness. And the time it takes to get these ideas onto paper when they have formed themselves is far less than it would have taken me while sitting in front of a blank page.
So if life gets hectic or busy or overwhelming. Have faith that the story that needs to be told is working its magic. Give it a little space to do its thing. Get out of the chair and go take a walk or run your errands or deal with the day job or just sit and breathe fresh air before it gets too cold to do so. Spend a little less time doing and a little more time just being. Your story will still get told. It has a life of its own. And sometimes a little less productiveness on your part is just what the story needs to free it into form.
Be well 
Writers Block: Getting Unstuck
I've been working on a first draft lately. I love first drafts. It's like reading a new book, learning what happens as you move from page to page, learning about the characters, learning what they're learning. This manuscript had been progressing really smoothly, as if it knew what it needed to say, and I was just there to get it down on paper.... Until I got stuck. Maybe it was because there's so much going on at home. Maybe it was because I was trying to work in medical situations that I don't yet fully understand and for which I need to do more research. But for whatever reason, I was stuck. And I hate being stuck. I sort of knew where I wanted to go, but I wasn't sure if that plot point was going to work and I definitely did not know how to get there.
So late last night (a time when I never feel alert enough to write), I set aside the manuscript and interviewed my antagonist, asking him to show me what was happening from his perspective. Even though I'd already had an overall idea of what he would say, it wasn't until he said it that I saw the complete picture. I'd been aware of his basic motivation, but not of the details of what had been happening along the way to make his choices make sense. And in discovering that, I was able to see how the rest of the story will play out.
Now, I just need to find the time to get it all down. So note to self: When you're feeling stuck, don't try to push through. Step back, seek out your characters, let them tell you what happens next. It's much easier than trying to think it up yourself!
Friday Five: When it rains it pours
Life's been throwing us some curveballs lately. I don't like curveballs. I like straight, slow-pitched tosses that are predictable and easy to manage. But here's what those maddening, irritating, $#%^& pesky curveballs have been getting me to think about:
1. Stay in the moment. Don't rush ahead. Don't let your worried brain spin out on possibilities that aren't happening right now.
2. Shifting directions may not be what you want to do in any given circumstance, but sometimes it leads you to a better path.
3. In writing, sometimes the author asks the question, "What's the worst thing that could happen to my character right now?" And then we make those things happen, which keeps the tension high and the reader reading. I'm noticing that when real life starts to feel like someone's up there asking that question, it pretty much sucks. But things could always be worse (knock wood they don't go any farther) and luckily, in real life, these rough patches usually pass. Gives me more empathy for my characters!
4. People always say to not take health for granted. And yet we do. Because we're so used to it. We think we can always count on it. Then when it slips away you realize how much of life is predicated on that assumption that health will be there. Feel grateful for it every day.
5. You know that saying, "when it rains it pours?" Yeah, maybe the southwestern states could send some of their drought our way. I could sure use a little sunshine <3
What Holds You Back
I had an epiphany in my writing group last night. (Thank you to Susanne West.) It's the idea that what holds our characters back from becoming fully formed is probably the same thing that holds us back in our lives. I know it's true for me. The places I hold myself back in life are the same places I hold my characters back.
Writing becomes therapy. If I can push my characters, challenge them to risk what I'm afraid to risk in my own life, they become more fully fleshed. And when I see them taking those risks, they inspire me to do the same. And that gives me more confidence to push them further. It's a positive cycle. But the opposite can also be true. If I won't let them take risks, I'm even less likely to take them myself, and then both life and writing become stagnant.
What risks are you willing to take in your writing was the question my friend Susanne posed. Think about it - and see if it isn't the same as the risk you maybe need to take in your life.
