Dedicated to those we've lost: Bullying and suicide
I try to keep this blog positive, filled with hope and dreams come true because that's what I want to add to the world. But today I'm dedicating the blog to all the dreams that will never come true.
What's taken hold of me now is the series of stories about bullying and suicide. Some of the cases involve kids who were gay, others were bullied for other reasons -- like talking to someone's boyfriend or texting a picture of her own body to her own boyfriend. And there is more than one issue that needs to be dealt with here.
Like why is it so hard to accept that people are different? Why is it so hard to let people be who they are? Why is difference a valid excuse for torment? And why are so-called "nice" kids (as the superintendent of the South Hadley MA called the kids who bullied Phoebe Prince) abusing other kids so viciously that they feel they have no other choice but to die?
And what are the schools and parents and neighborhoods doing about any of this? When one of my children was bullied in elementary school, the principal sat down with my child and the bully and asked the bully if he meant to hurt my child. The bully of course said no and was let off the hook with no punishment. This from a school that prides itself on its anti-bullying campaign. I asked a professional what the recommended strategy for dealing with bullying in the schools is and the answer was zero tolerance. Any act of bullying, no matter how minor, should result in suspension, and if continued, ultimately expulsion.
I am just broken-hearted from hearing about the loss of lives. Look at Tyler Clementi's situation at Rutgers. His roommate was tweeting homophobic comments about him. Then he thought it would be -- what, funny? -- to invade Tyler's privacy and livestream his sexual encounter? And what about the female friend who went along with this? Again we hear, these are good kids, from good families. Does that mean they shouldn't be held responsible? The kids who are killing themselves were good kids from good families, too. Cruelty is cruelty. And it has to stop. At some point we have to be held responsible for the choices we make. When is that? In elementary school, high school, college? When someone that's been tormented is emotionally scarred, physically harmed, kills themselves? At what point is it no longer "kids will be kids?" At what point must we teach that every human being is entitled to safety and privacy and the right to live his/her own life - even if you don't like the way that person lives it?
Jay Asher posted a blog yesterday addressing a Newsweek article that suggested that maybe it isn't really the bully's fault. If Pheobe Prince was on antidepressants, then maybe it wasn't the bullying that caused her to kill herself. And as Jay points out, when a person bullies someone, that person may have no idea what the victim's preexisting conditions might be, but that doesn't make the bully less culpable for his actions. This is why Jay's book Thirteen Reasons Why is so valuable. It shows kids that you don't know what's inside that person you're being mean to, you don't know what else they're dealing with. It adds up. And if our kids aren't getting that, aren't we at fault for not teaching them? And isn't that something we can change?
Every moment in the day we make choices about who to be in this world. Maybe we can't be nice or kind all the time. We all have bad days and bad moments. Maybe empathy and kindness are too difficult for some to choose. But choosing to not be cruel to someone over and over really shouldn't be that hard. And when it is too hard, then there needs to be a consequence so the next time it'll be an easier choice.
My heart goes out to every kid and family dealing with bullying (and its repercussions) in all its many forms. I hope that at the very least we can learn from what's happened recently and begin to teach that some behavior simply has no excuse and will not be tolerated. Because everyone deserves the dignity of living a life free from cruelty.
It's hard to imagine anyone being so cruel to another human, but the fact is some people are cruel. Maybe by showing the effects of thoughtless bullying some of these people can be changed. Let's hope so.
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hi cheryl,
i found your site through a link (i was searching for lesson plans on heroes), but got stuck reading (teachers!!) anyway, i'm hoping you'll allow me to share your post on bullying with my high school students. i'm from north carolina (a small town close to charlotte), and have tried to find ways to approach the bullying topic. your heartfelt writing, i think, could be my "in" --as long as it's alright with you.
thanks for writing this.
stephanie mccabe
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Thank you so much for your comment. I'm happy to have you share my blog post with your students if you think it would be of any help. I don't know if you clicked over to my website to see my author bio, but I grew up in Durham, North Carolina. Good luck to you and let me know if there's anything else I can do to help
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